I've been inspired by some of yesterday's events to talk about a couple gross things today. Feel free to skip this one, and I'll spare you any pictures.
1) As I'm sure you're dying to know, Peter has come through his ordeal. Or, I should say, his ordeal has come through him. No more worries about spending the rest of Advent recovering from emergency surgery, because Peter delivered the bolt safely to his diaper this morning. And J.J. was the lucky parent who got to excavate that diaper change to check for it. Win!
2) As I expected, my father was unable to control himself with his humor about the whole screw issue. Poppy (as the kids call him) is a little squeamish, but never misses an opportunity to draw out jokes that are completely unfunny. My brothers and I can't help but think they are hilarious because they're from Dad. Here are some Poppy's texted gems from the situation:
"Has the screw exited Peter's (s)tool box so to speak?"
Upon my suggestion that he come out and help us: "Some things in life require a mother's touch!"
Peter believes Poppy can fix anything, but Poppy says, "Poppy can't fix that Poopy!"
-->I warned you above. You might want to just stop reading now before you never read my blog again.
3) Last night we had the pleasure of watching the first episode of Jennifer Fulwiler's show Minor Revisions. There were some fabulous shots of her dealing with a scorpion and a wasp, in which she wondered what the New York crew must have thought about the critters in Texas. To this I say (as a recent New Yorker), " We have rats and roaches in NYC. No big deal." But this is not entirely true.
4) As for rats, just ask my bestie Janet Sahm about her NYC rat experience. It's a sweet story about them being IN HER KITCHEN. Rats, that is. And a random latino man in the Bronx stomping on them for her.**
5) As for NYC cockroaches, I can field that one. We lived in a not luxury, but not gross or run-down apartment building in NYC. That said, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because every building in NYC has cockroaches, no matter what the real estate agent or landlord tells you. Unless it has mice, which eat the roaches, but then you have mice. There are the tiny roaches which are slower and smaller, but they get into your food (gag, die). And then there are the monster roaches that are 1 - 8ish inches long and don't get into your food but are faster than olympic track medalists and have wings. Meaning they can fly. AROUND YOUR INFANT'S NURSERY.
6) If you ever have these roaches, you just have to accept that they will not die. Remember Wall-E's little cockroach friend? That was accurate because robots and cockroaches would survive the earth's toxic fall-out. We have tried suffocating them with flour. Poisoning them. Drowning them in water. Drowning them in dish soap. Drowning them in bleach. It doesn't stop them. Yes, you can smash them, but then you have a heck of a mess to clean up and you can never let your baby crawl on your floor again, no matter how well you sanitize.
7) What is the solution then, you ask? A Dyson canister vacuum off Craigslist, a toilet and two able-bodied adults. When the little bugger darts under your baby's swing, or out of your clean frying pans, or under the arch of your 9-month-pregnant foot in the middle of the night on your way to the bathroom, scream bloody-murder and hyperventilate until your husband comes to your rescue with the vacuum, cursing and asking where the damn thing is. Watch him use fencer-like agility to suck up the cockroach with the extension tube and observe it whirling around in the canister while hoping it's suffering (don't worry, it's not). Take up your role in the extermination process and gingerly pop the canister open over the toilet and flush before it climbs out to kill you in your sleep. It won't die, but it will take at least a few days before it navigates the NYC sewer system back to your apartment. Move to Indiana and pursue a normal family life.
Nauseated? Mission accomplished. Head over to Jen's for more quick takes or just look at some pretty things on Pinterest to calm your stomach.
**By the way, check out and subscribe to Verily Magazine if you haven't already! It is the complete opposite of this post and full of the antithesis of gross, AKA it's GORGEOUS.**